Peace, Peace, Peace

So it seems like lately there has been a lot of tragedy both near and far.

Last Saturday, 4 houses down from us, a 29 year old was stabbed and killed in their front yard. His attacker who was also injured from the fight, tried to flee the scene subsequently leaving his blood trail on the sidewalk in front of our house.

I was getting ready for church and Brandon came home and told me someone had been murdered close to us. There are so many emotions that you feel when you hear the word “murder” associated with your neighborhood. It hits even closer when you realize that it was just a few houses down from you. Instantly you wonder if it was targeted or spontaneous. And if it was the latter, then are you and your family safe?

Secondly, I had instant goose bumps because I couldn’t sleep that night. Living on a busy street, it’s not uncommon to hear ambulance sirens. But this night was different. I could hear cop cars zooming by. And I also heard a voice (I believe it was a woman’s voice) screaming “no, no, no, no” in between sobs. Again, it’s not uncommon to hear people screaming, fighting, music playing etc. A lot of houses nearby us are rented by young college aged kids. Some stumble home drunk from Cactus Jacks, some have house parties....and with that comes noise.  Of course now that I know the circumstances, it gives me chills. It’s like putting the puzzle together and realizing it was probably a young woman looking at this man and realizing he might not have a fighting chance to life.

The day after I took Elijah on a walk to get some air and clear my mind, and just one block away from the murder scene was a family who had set up a lemonade stand selling to those walking by. What a complete shift.  Death vs. Life.

Of course, on a much bigger scale and geographically  far away, the shooting in Colorado was horrific and heart breaking. People were innocently sitting in the theatre watching Batman, and in an instant everything was taken away. It’s hard to believe how heartless/disturbed someone can be to follow through with a mass murder like that.

Anyways, just had to blog about these things as they have weighed pretty heavy on my mind recently. 

But the darkness only makes my hero (my Lord and Saviour) shine brighter...paraphrase of Lecrae’s Tweet. =)

Philippians 4:6-7  do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
 

How He Loves Us

If you read my last post, then you'll remember that lately I have been struggling with faith....just enough that it's really making me want to the seek the Lord even more!  I don't want to settle with  religion and tradition, I want an alive and breathing relationship. 

Anyways one day I realized, why am I holding back my questions? Why am I not admitting to struggling with faith?

I suppose I haven't because I have't had a chance to realize exactly where things are at. Maybe also because I feel I really shouldn't question God when I am a pastor's wife...

But then I felt like the Lord was saying,  "if you're having questions/doubts/fear, why don't you talk to me about them? I would be the one to disprove your doubts, and show you who I am." And so one night I just prayed to God and said I am just not really sure where I am at right now but I really want to know You. I prayed that God would speak to me, that He would show Himself to me. Somehow in the midst of business of raising a family, taking care of a church, being a wife,friend,daughter,mom etc - I got lost....and so did my priorities.

2 Nights ago I couldn't sleep and I feel like God used my sleepless night to speak to me.

I had a rough day with Elijah. He was teething and subsequently had been crying all day and to be perfetly honest, just driving me crazy. But by night time, I was just thinking about how much I love him and how much joy he brings to my life.

And, the more I enjoy time with my son and just thank God for him - I feel like God's fatherly heart is being revealed to me.

For instance, even though I had a rough day, I couldn't stop thinking about how I just want to shower him with gifts on his Birthday...just to show him how much I love him. I was also thinking about how he needs our time, our love and affection, and how we'd pay anything........for his safety, for his health, etc.

And it's like God spoke to me and said that's how He feels about us. We sin, we fall away, we push Him away...and yet his heart is overbrimming with love and affection for us. He wants to spend time with us....and he paid the ULTIMATE price for our lives by sending his one and only son to earth to die to abolish slavery to sin....to rise again.....and bring glory to His name....

He is King.....and He is Father.

He is amazing.

And how He loves us so....

Heart Story

I may have mentioned this before, but when I sign on to blog, I feel the need to make sure all my entries are consistent in size, format, etc. Due to this slight OCD nature, I have created approximately 6 different blogs in an attempt to try to start again and make it look perfect. Even as a child and a teen, I did this with journals and paper notebooks.
So although I want to abandon this blog to restart and create a new 'persona' and increase the level of my writing....there’s a piece of my heart that belongs to “Life In Technicolour.”  A few hours of my life has been sown into this...and so thus I return.
My writing is not perfect. The things I have written about in the past may not be a reflection of who I am today, but it was a snapshot of who I was before. And so, this blog is unperfectly perfect. And I hope that as{{you}} read it, that you would hear my voice and feel my heart.
So, topic change.
I am struggling with faith...
I feel as if that statement should never come out of my mouth.  I feel guilty, ashamed, disillusioned, confused....and lost.  I scratch my head and wonder how I got to this point. Who can I blame for my problems with faith? Who can I lay the burden on and say that their insufficiencies caused my personal dysfunction?  It would be much easier to grab someone and tell them it was their fault......then I could call it a day and move on. But no, it’s me.
Sure, I have gone through experiences in my life that have ripped my heart like a jagged edged knife would.  It’s hard to sew those pieces back together when they have been shredded apart. I feel stupid for saying this, but my parent’s divorce threw my world out of order.  When you’re 20 years old and your world is rapidly changing, you want the security of family. The family you knew your whole life that would be the soft mattress in which you could fall back on to. My mom is there for me, and my dad is there for me...but my parents as a ‘collective’ are not there for me. I no longer have a model for marriage, for family that sticks together until they are old and grey.  Although they both love me, I feel torn and split....like I must make sure that my affections and loyalty must be equal at all times.
I’ve written in the past about my struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. I struggled with this addiction (yes, I called anxiety an addiction) for about a year. It was my form of control over my life and the situations that I faced. Sick and twisted, I know.
While I feel free from that (I haven’t had a panic attack for about 2 years now), I feel as if my heart has been hardened. I haven’t truly mourned, I haven’t been able to pick up the pieces and put them together, I haven’t allowed God to heal my heart because in someway I believe that I have been OK, .....or perhaps as “OK” as I will ever get. And thus the battle between the head and the heart begins. I know with my head that in scripture it says Jesus will make us WHOLE, and HEALED....but my heart says, maybe I am the exception. And I justify my thinking by using Paul’s reference to having a ‘thorn in his side’....perhaps my cracked heart is a thorn.

But then I go to various church services and see people who are on FIRE for the Lord. Sometimes I think, maybe they are crazy....what if they have been misled. But no, it has to be real. Why would you forsake things for something that isn’t real?

And then my cracked heart twinges a bit and longs so much for that real passion.......to not be ashamed and to not be fearful. To be all consumed by Jesus.

I love the Lord....I believe Jesus is God....the one and only true way. When I say I am struggling with faith, it’s more that I feel my heart is numbed and I need the Lord to heal back the nerve endings....I want to hear His voice, feel His touch, and see His face.
Xoxo
Nae